On the Danger of Squirrels

After Tuesday's IV infusion (Alpha Lipoic Acid, something-something-choline and L-glutathiane) I had a very full day. From 8am to 1pm, I was dealing with my follow-up with Dr. Alternative with several hours of allowing various medical professionals to play 'find the vein' on my arms. Seriously the whole thing should've taken two hours tops, but my veins manage to drag it out to four, plus travel time.

But I felt good enough that I forced the family to go out for a walk at the local park. We saw two deer, watched them poop, discussed whether one of the ducks was transgendered or not and ran into an overly friendly squirrel.

My relative, who just moved out but came back for a home-cooked meal, went into 'it's an attack rat, and it's going to eaaaaaaat meeeeee' mode. So they ran off, screaming, leaving me and the toddler to calmly keep walking.

Look, I've been in the middle of various rain forests. Almost put my hand right into the coil of a sleeping baby pit viper once. Mist-netted for bats and held them in my hands--without any ER nearby to save me from rabies. I'm not going to scream over a damn squirrel.

(Of course, standing on a fire ant hill with ants swarming my feet and biting me? I totally sing (and dance) the 'get it off me' hokey-pokey at the top of my lungs.)

(When I say swarm, think Hitchcock's The Birds.)

(Not exactly on the same level as a rogue squirrel. FYI.)

So the toddler and I were walking and I was saying soothing things, trying to keep her calm as she'd picked up on everyone's fear. By everyone, I mean my relative who was still freaking out a half mile down the trail. My husband was laughing.

Then, my husband said, "Watch out, it's coming back."

Which triggered the Primal Momma Bear in me. My stomach lurched with the fight or flight response. I was ready to kill something with my bare hands, anything to protect my baby.

I turned around to see the squirrel twenty feet away. If it was coming for us, it was at the speed of a drunk, one-legged pirate who'd misplaced his peg leg.

My husband was being funny.

I mean, my dearly departed husband, because I stabbed him to death with my angry glare after that trick.

Not funny.

So not funny.

It was too late for me to do anything about the attempt to mount a stress response and it ended badly. I can't handle that kind of bullshit. I immediately had generalized back and stomach pain, fatigue, shortness of breath and rumblings of GI trouble.

Damn it.

This all meant I needed to take steroids.

But I didn't want to.

It was only GI rumblings.

Except I didn't want to make things worse either.

Weakness. Shortness of breath. Back and stomach pain.

So I compromised and took 2.5mg which seemed to be a middle road between taking 5mg and taking nothing. Luckily, the IV picked up any slack, buoying me up.

Wednesday started well, but ended with a 10mg stress dose as I hit a wall of fatigue, weakness, flank, stomach and back pain and GI symptoms. It was either take steroids or ruin my parent's 60th birthday party, which I had planned long before I caught bronchitis. Back when I thought I had a shot at normal.

BB (before bronchitis) a concert seemed like a great way to ring in 60.

But there was a lot of smoking and walking. Not so much an issue when I bought the tickets, but today's body can't hack it. I had to ask for a ride to my car like a nursing home resident.

I don't know what to do. I'm shocked that this has gone so poorly. I would never have thought I would need any steroids. I truly thought I was on the way up. I was feeling good and then bam! Hit the wall.

The only comfort I can take is at least it's not the worst adrenal stuff I've had. It could turn around.

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Feeling Fine

Saturday I sent the following text to my hubby:

"Asthma is not controlled, peak flow dropped, lots of congestion and I stopped steroids this morning. Otherwise, everything is fine."

Oh hey, that's the solution to all my troubles! I just need a new definition of fine!

And then I asked him to bring home a Coke Zero from the gas station.

Because when you're feeling so damn fine, you need to drink something bad for you. Just in case it can make you feel 'finer'.

I've had a social conundrum come up. Smoking is the theme.

First there was the neighbor's birthday party where the entire family smoked like chimneys. I was probably the only non-smoker and asthmatic. I quickly bowed out of that one with an awkward 'oh hey, I have asthma and I can't breathe this air unless I want an ER visit' explanation to the rather shocked hostess. I spent the next 4-5 hours fighting an acute asthma attack from just passing exposure. My lungs were pretty sensitive that time as I was sick with the bug o' doom.

Then there was another birthday party, the magician one. Well, there were a few guests who felt that since, we were outside and on a patio, they could light up. I left before I killed them with my death glare. Thankfully, that party was more open air and the exposure didn't cause any problems for me.

Now I have an invitation to a 'Mom's night out' party and it's got a fun theme. I want to go, but I'm afraid of the smoking. Which means I have to call the hostess and either:

A) Lie about why I can't go and not go. At least I'll have my dignity with this one. But it doesn't really make me friends because I never go to anything!

B) Explain how I'm this hypochondriac nut job (as I think they see me) and they need to worry about my health and possibly confront some guests about not smoking, which policing party guests is the reason everyone opens their homes, right?

C) Say nothing, go to the party and leave abruptly when the smoking starts which makes me look like I'm socially maladjusted. "She seemed nice, but then she ran out of here like something was on fire. I don't know what happened? Do we smell or something?"

D) The party is on my actual birthday and I probably can't/shouldn't go anyway (see option A). Because, you know, birthday cake obligations. Isn't it a misdemeanor to mess with the birthday cake schedule?

So what option would you go with?

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My First Big Fail

I tapered to 5mg yesterday and it went okay, up until I went for a walk. After that I was a limp noodle on the couch, unable to stay awake.

For over two years, I have somehow managed to meet every parenting obligation and responsibility. Whether I felt like it or not.

But yesterday? I slept through the toddler screaming.

I couldn't stay awake and I couldn't get up when I needed to. I knew I should get up and check on the toddler but I couldn't wake up. I've always been afraid of this. Always been careful not to let myself lie down when I'm solely responsible for the toddler, but I couldn't control it last night.

Everyone is okay. Thank God. She got sent home for being physical with her friend--a behavioral issue that has recently cropped up. Yeah, great, we spend years sitting on our hands and not spanking only to have her become the neighborhood bully.

Of course there are mitigating circumstances. She's outpaced socially and one girl has turned out to be big on social exclusion, targeting my kid (the youngest), so the toddler falls back on trying to physically put people where she wants them. Since she's two full clicks over the growth curve and her peers are two full clicks below, she can actually pick them up like dolls. She's like Andre the Giant's toddler cousin.

Surprisingly (and I know, you'll be shocked to hear htis) they don't like being 'toddler-handled' and cat fights ensue.

With lots of screaming.

Which I always hear before it hits critical mass and intervene. (I am the only parent who bothers to show up before it's gone too far. Ironically this was a big part of the bitchy rant I deleted yesterday. I'm the only one who gives a shit, which is lucky for their kids since mine has finally figured out how to throw around her weight, literally.)

But I was asleep yesterday. Too exhausted to even hear my girl when she needed me. And I guess our other house guest, who usually keeps an eye on everything, decided to hide in their bat cave in the basement instead. So the back up failed.

All this drama because of a mile long walk. I think there are 90-year-olds who can walk three.

Sometimes my life seems unlivable with the health I have. Yesterday was one of those times.

I feel awful. For my girl. For the other girl. Me and my stupid stupid health.

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Not Funny

So it would appear that 2 1/2 days of food poisoning is not be enough.

Now we have pink eye.

With a side of cold germs.

I shit you not.

Further, the timing is really bad for me as I have some real life face-to-face stuff that cannot be put off as it is very important.

So I took the toddler to the pediatrician and then called my doc to beg for meds STAT figuring I had pink eye despite the lack of symptoms.

That was a very good call on my part as my tear ducts are now red and bulging in both eyes.

There's more chaos, but I'm holding off on full disclosure until the real life stuff really gets real.

My goal now is to not infect anyone and to hopefully not look like I smoke a shit ton of pot in my spare time.

Oh yeah, the adrenals are pissed. Naturally.

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Tuesday Makes Two

Two posts in two day! When was the last time that happened?

Of course it's because I'm not feeling so hot and frustrated about that. Looks like some GI stuff is starting and appetite seems to be fading (although it might just be messing with me). BP skyrocketed with the GI stuff, so I'm now waiting to see if it calms down or not.

So...tired, weak and loopy. Blech.

Toddler had PT today and some idiot thought it was a great idea to blare the fire alarms repeatedly during her session. Yeah, like that goes well in a facility full of kids like mine who are terrified of loud noises. The toddler was hysterical and we had to leave early.

I'm consoling myself by designing the room in hell those idiots will occupy when they die for doing that to a bunch of kids.

Now we are off to preschool and then a magic show and then I cook our V-day dinner, plus write. All while feeling like my head is a whirligig.

Living the adrenal dream.

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Not Bad, But Could've Been Better

Today was a low energy day. Did Zumba yesterday and then climbed 130 stairs despite my knee's loud, clicking protests. (By the way, the knee is my other souvenir from that asthma hospitalization. I guess it was a two-for-one deal. Messed up adrenals and a bum knee due to deconditioning.)

Exercise resulted in a wave of adrenal fatigue and weakness. Again, nowhere near strong enough to take me out or necessitate steroids, but I was annoyed.

It didn't help that I got up at 6:30 am and started writing. Hubby's morning toilette woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep so...I wrote. I was awake and pretty alert on only 6 hours of sleep, which is kind of new. There were delusions of doing that everyday, but the Zumba induced fatigue squashed that fantasy. Maybe in a couple more months.

So the day went. I was kind of run down from the adrenals and the early start, but I did a lot anyway. Went to a movie by myself at night. Hubby bugs me about 'getting out of the house' when I whine about never getting a break from being the primary caregiver. I've been telling him for two years now, that I don't have the energy to go out. If I did, I would.

As for today, I'm tired out. Normally I would exercise again today, but instead I am taking it easy. Again, nowhere near the intensity it's been, it's just that the malingering Groundhog's Day nature of this adrenal crap is wearing thin.

Other changes...

My body is hosting a Welcome Home party for the PCOS which is raging at full strength. Acne everywhere. Weird ass PCOS hair. Bloating. Sugar cravings. It's very obvious to me that I've had ongoing never-ending adrenal issues even if I and everyone else thought I was 'cured.' The adrenals clearly dominated over the PCOS.

The PCOS kind of ruins my adrenal recovery victory lap.

The adrenal stuff was also pushing my BP down. Now it's creeping up and I'm going to need adjustment in the BP meds. So, basically, if a patient is hypertensive and then goes through adrenal insufficiency, their BP is depressed, but it may not go low enough to meet clinical definitions of adrenal insufficiency due to underlying hypertension.

Also adrenals do not stop white coat, this is something that multiple adrenal patients have experienced. Yet the medical community continues to deny this is possible.

I get that there's a physiological basis for that denial, but we need to go back to the drawing board on that one. It's the same with the idea that a crisis can't have high blood pressure. I can find multiple patients with better blood work than mine who prove these conventions wrong. There are HUGE gaps in the science here for adrenal issues. HUGE and no one, except the patients, cares.

On the writing front, I have written 13k word this week and should top out at 15 to 16k. With last week's 10k, that's two short stories, one novella in progress and a novelette (which is almost a novella). They still need to be edited, pretty heavily in fact, but I've been very productive over all.

I have also discovered the train wreck that is Dance Moms. Watching it makes me glad my kid is going to be 6 feet tall and stocky, I could not handle it and neither could she. However, we have signed her up for formal dance classes at a studio with a competition team. Fortunately, the four-year-old class is not on anyone's radar. Also, she can't plie or ball change for love or money. I'm okay with that.

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Why Everything Tastes Like Soap to Me: The Correlation Between Hyper-olfaction and Adrenal Insufficiency

A fellow HPAA Suppression buddy turned me on to this ancient study from 1966:

"In adrenal insufficiency the olfactory sensitivity was roughly 100,000 times (range 103 to 108) more acute than that in the normal subjects.

Treatment with prednisolone, 20 mg per day,returned olfactory thresholds to normal in every patient within the first day, frequently before any change in serum electrolyte concentrations or body weight. When treatment with prednisolone was stopped, the increased olfactory sensitivity did not reappear for 5 to 7 days, or 1 to 3 days after taste sensitivity had become maximal."

(Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC292845/pdf/jcinvest00268-0123.pdf)

Saturday, the day I caved and took 5mg so I didn't kill people with my car, I experienced intense anti-hunger. Nothing tasted right. We indulged in our little Falafel fetish and I couldn't eat it despite greedy anticipation. It didn't taste right. Hubby thought it was fine, so I assumed it was just me being me.

The Fatoush salad tasted okay, but I couldn't eat it either and kept starting a bite only to put the fork back down.

(Oddly enough the restaurant did not agree with our systems and I wonder if, perhaps, my sensory overload is actually able to pick up on problems with food. The last time I was the only one who thought something tasted funny, there was a food recall.)

I've also taken to running a second rinse in the dishwasher, otherwise, everything I eat tastes like Cascade. I'm the only one affected this way. It all tastes fine to everyone else.

My sense of smell is definitely more sensitive than it was even during pregnancy. I haven't bothered to correlate it with when I'm feeling insufficient vs. normal, but it definitely showed up to party on Saturday.

Sunday was better, but then I exercised, which means Monday has pretty much sucked. I have dialed down the intensity on the workouts, aiming for very low impact with minimal strength work, but even that is, apparently, too much. Zippo appetite today and just farking exhausted.

Work has been productive though. I'm in the throes of a story that has me by the throat. I went grocery shopping at Costco and the story was playing in 3D in the back of my mind the whole time--it's like living in a dream state that is constantly demanding you sit down and listen. It won't last so I'm trying to maximize writing time to get it all out before it goes *poof*.

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Puke Watch 2012

I'm so tired, I could just fall asleep as I type, so bear with me.

Things are, overall, going well with some hiccups along the way.

Sunday we all had a mild case of food poisoning. I upped my fluids and increased salt and didn't worry too much about it, but it did end up derailing me for about 48 hours. However, the adrenal component was only at 30% strength, which is a pretty major improvement. Instead of feeling weak for days, I felt adrenal weak for a couple hours. But then, the next day I was super tired. Which was annoying, but it passed.

Then today, I took the toddler to an indoor playground and a kid upchucked all over the place. Worse, the mom didn't take that as a sign to go home, so we did, basically throwing away the money we paid for the entrance fee.

I just have no words for that mom. You just don't do that if you're a halfway decent parent. Actively vomiting kids don't go to school or playdates or indoor parks. It's just not done. Not if you want to have mom friends or your kid to have playmates. Now if you want everyone to talk about you in an unflattering manner, then let your kid puke and play. Trust me, no one was without a snide opinion.

And the staff was clueless, "We don't have any policy in place for this." Wimpy teenagers afraid of conflict. Humph.

I told the hubby, if we start puking, we're going to the park and finding those people's cars. So help me, I will store it if I have to for future transport. Yes I am that mad about it.

I will be so pissed if I get sick because stomach flu will definitely mean steroids. Hopefully, we weren't exposed and it was just food poisoning.

Plus, have I mentioned Lice Watch 2012? No? Yeah, that's because I'm pretending it's not happening. We don't have lice yet and I think our odds are good to keep it that way, but yes, I am checking my kid's hair for lice like a chimp with a hair fetish.

Oh and I exercised today. Just a 30 minute elliptical workout. I had normal strength and stamina ( as opposed to adrenal strength and stamina). But it wiped me out pretty good after. Those annoying adrenals. Really I thought I would do better as the day-to-day has been pretty solid, but I guess exercise is still an adrenal minefield.

As for my knee...I think it's just the patella not tracking right. Not that I can say for sure, but I think/hope I just need a brace maybe? I'm just ignoring it a the moment, I can't afford a doctor visit because we have crappy health insurance.

And that's it. I am SO going to bed. If nothing makes sense, it's the adrenals.

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All Over the Place

I promised myself to stay off the computer today and give my body a break. I've been working on the computer so much, my back hurts from top to bottom.

But the hubby took the toddler off on some jaunt to a friend's house and I should probably take the time to work.

But I need a break.

Can't decide how to resolve the conflict so here I am.

Hi. How are you?

Still doing pretty well. Feeling kind of run down, and was fighting a sore throat/congestion bug yesterday.

Where I'm really in trouble is with my knee. My poor sainted knee. I would not blame it if it reported me for domestic violence.

Did a side kick about a month ago and felt a small *pop*. It's been grinding ever since, like fingernails on chalkboard. The patella is slanted, but I think it's been like that.

Have no idea what to do for it and the idea of going to the doctor makes me feel all adrenal and like I might possibly be allergic. I don't want to be the patient that makes Amelia Bedelia a diagnosis.

But I can't do my squats either and you know how I love me some squatting. HooRAH.

Books are doing well. I don't know how sustainable any of it is, the industry is constantly shifting which is annoying. The evolution of the internet is all about giving small webpreneurs the shaft. However, if I can build on it, I may be able to actually make an income at some point. The trick is to be prolific while still maintaining quality--that's a hard trick, in case you were wondering.

The other trick is to stay ahead of the plagiarists who are really just credit card thieves. They scrape content, republish it and then charge to the limit. Ever see an ebook listed for $100 $700? That's probably a stolen credit card laundering scheme. Especially if the cover is particularly bad.

Still no exercise. I've been working too hard to take the time and then I was kind of maybe sick. Plus, I'm in a place right now where I don't miss it too much. That means I need to find a Zumba class stat.

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Rambling, Rambling, Rambling

I have a lot to say about adrenal glands, but have not been able to sit down and gather my thoughts. I just completed two projects and have been consumed with getting them launched.

By the way...my last project, the novella, averages 4 star reviews. I have been very blessed with happy readers (although at least one reviewer still has it out for me). However this has not translated into serious sales, which is interesting. I even did a free promotion and made it up to #10 on various best seller lists with several thousand copies distributed. That garnered me another 4 star review and that was it. Such a confounding business this writing stuff.

Oh wait, I'm off topic. I'm kind of all over the place today. Okay, my health... I am back to the same old, same old pattern. Exercise makes things worse. Even mild exercise. Without steroids I can be way more tired than I should be. Yet if I take steroids, even a low dose would probably be too much now as I'm not in the hole any more.

So, you know, trucking along. The usual 'having so much fun with fatigue sloths are jealous.'

Went to church yesterday and they sang a traditional hymn for once. We go to the 'contemporary praise' service because the timing is better for us. Normally they sing emo bipolar-off-their-meds songs about self loathing --All set to a danceable beat which makes it even creepier. I keep waiting for us to start cutting together.-- but yesterday they slipped in a traditional hymn.

I love hymns. They are deeply spiritual for me in a way that sermons never are. As a teen, I used to inexpertly bang them out on a piano for hours on end. I have missed them because I am not an Emo Goth for Christ. (If you are, boy, can I recommend a church service for you!)

Spirit of the Living God is so beautiful. Such a pure harmony. And, for whatever reason, no one else sang it yesterday except me and the lead band singer. Our voices blended really nicely to where the pastor requested 'one more time' and, inside the notes, there was a beauty of stillness, the way a bell tone hangs in the air. The notes washed through me with aching sweetness. It was a like a meditation.

So what I'm saying, is I like hymns and yesterday was a good day for that. Making today good for purple prose on the topic.

We also signed up for the chili cook off fundraiser, which is really the kind of thing I go to church for. That and Sunday School for the toddler.

Here's a typical scenario of how I volunteer when I don't know how I'll feel. First, I evaluated what I could do that would not lock me into a specific day or time. In this case, providing chili and dessert. Yes it has a deadline, but I can work ahead and take breaks during. Then, I asked the hubby to volunteer for grunt work on the day of, so, if I feel well enough, I can slip in too.

He wanted to volunteer anyway so it worked out well. I still remember Xmas 2010 when I had volunteered to work the Breakfast with Santa at the toddler's preschool, but was too ill to do so on the day of and had to send the hubby instead. That raised some eyebrows, so I think it's better to show up as a bonus extra helper than bow out at the last minute.

C'est tout.

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Better

It turned out to be a good call stopping the steroids. Would not have predicted that, but glad I listened to the instinct to do so.

Energy was even with some minor fatigue. Minor like the way you feel after the flu is done with you; better but still needing some sleep.

Not sure what the rest of today will bring or tomorrow for that matter. This is probably weird, but mostly I'm afraid of what will happen next. I can't ever seem to get ahead of the game here. Not in any meaningful way.

It feels like it will never end. Never be over. Never be behind me but always before me, pouncing.

I was told by a mom friend to be optimistic, to which I responded, I tried that and had a crisis instead.

So they said, bitch your way through.

I thought that's what I was doing, I said.

Haven't I? I've kept a baseline of fitness going. I've maintained most of my commitments. It has not been easy and I have not always been 100%, but I think, overall, I have learned to work around/through/with the fatigue as much as possible.

They want me to commit to a stair run and a 5k. I can't. Maybe the day of, if I've been able to work out consistently, I could, but I have no idea how I will feel. I don't even know if my next work out is going to be safe. I can't count on being able to perform right now.

I explained that it's like a 24/7 mono. Or a flu that never gets better.

So I try not to make promises I can't keep.

Maybe that's not bitch enough, but it's the only way to navigate it that I can see.

Sorry if I'm not bitch enough for you. I'm trying.

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Chatty

For all us dancing divas, can I just recommend the LED light wands from the Target toy section? (Or something like this from Amazon.)We got one for the toddler and we love turning off the lights and using the light wand. In fact, we plan to invest quite heavily in funky lights for dancing in the dark.

We're kind of committed to the dancing thing. Or is it... we should be committed for the dancing thing? I always forget.

This is why I kind of can't wait to try the dancing games on the Wii.

Also, I spent most of the day kicking myself for using the phrase 'feral monkeys' in yesterday's post because aren't all monkeys pretty much feral? Even the alleged tame one that ripped off that woman's face? I should have gone with feral cats.

It ate at me and I refused to let myself go in and edit it because this blog is not about quality. In any way shape or form. I am way too busy editing other stuff to edit this blog.

Yet here I am, fixated on something you probably aren't even thinking about.

Anyway, it's feral cats, people.

Maybe my inner editor will stop hyperventilating now.

Thursday started well but I got bogged down with fatigue. I'm not sure what was going on, but I think I'm going to try and not take anything today. Just because there was a teeny tiny feeling of possibly too much steroid. I'm not sure I believe that feeling and certainly the sensation of adrenal pain was stronger, but it doesn't hurt to try.

This has really really really sucked. I told the hubby that next time I am huddled on the couch, shivering from cold, hunched over from nausea, afraid to even move lest I hurl to please please please suggest that maybe I should take some steroids. Maybe even bring me the pills with some water even. Because I am not above doing stupid things like thinking serious adrenal symptoms do not require steroids.

You know why I didn't take any that day? Because I had taken 5mg for the hike. I kept thinking, 'but I took 5mg' like that made it okay. It didn't.

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Upward

I took about 8 mg yesterday in a split dose. It was a miracle. Huge difference.

So today I will do just 5mg for the day and see how it goes. I woke up fatigued with some weakness, which was frustrating. Also, have been battling cold sores.

For the novelty of talking about something other than my sorry ass...We finally wrested the Wii away from my parents. For two years they've lived in denial. "We're gonna use it." "We're gonna work out." "You can't have it."

Finally, I prevailed in my efforts to take it over.

We got it home and assembled and found they hadn't even opened the one game they bought. For two years they never got past the demo games.

Gonna work out my ass.

You begin to see why I was so persistent with ' the Wii is mine' campaign, yes? It wasn't being used at all.

Anyway, the idea was to provide more stuff for the toddler to do dealing with hand-eye coordination and physical activity. We just didn't realize that even a free Wii is expensive.

Because my parents hadn't bought any accessories. Nothing.

And OMG that shit is expensive. What a scam. You buy a $300 gaming system that needs at least another $200 investment to reach full capability. What bullshit.

And the games are kind of stupid. Like the sword fight duel in Wii resort. Basically, you just hack your remote as fast as you can and that's it. The jet ski is over sensitive and impossible to steer. Archery is the best game in that you get the chance to really apply skill, but you pay $50 to shoot imaginary arrows!

But the toddler likes it and we'll rent some other games and see if that changes our minds. And see if it's worth buying more accessories--buying one extra remote was underwhelming. Soooo not impressed with the umpteen widgets necessary to use a Wii. Feels like a bait and switch. Like they sell an incomplete system on purpose.

We are not gamers. Can you tell?

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There's No Mapquest for This

Just super tired.

Took about 2mg this morning. It's not enough. Not even close.

I dug myself a hole and climbed in. I'm not sure what it will take to get out.

The sneezing is slowing down though. Just in time for the weight loss to start (again, happy to have it, but not thrilled with how it comes about).

Even the aerobics bunny is finally on mute.

Will be fine tuning steroid dose, trying to find my way back to normal.

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Crisis-y

So because the sack of flesh I inhabit is incompetent, things got a little crisis-y last night.

Let me back up.

First, the hubby and I got a sitter and went for an hour long walk. The weather has been so nice that, even if my lungs are trapping air like a starving hunter, I just can't sit and watch it go by.

I was going to take just 2.5mg, but was not feeling so hot and upped it to 5mg feeling lots of steroid guilt as I did so.

There's no way to know if a dose is too little or too much until I take it. Likewise, the distinctions between too little, too much and just right are hard to articulate. I feel 'off' when the dose is too much. I feel 'adrenal' when it's too little. And just right is fantastic, but rare and tenuous as a double rainbow.

My thought yesterday that 5mg would be too much and I was doing it wrong, but actually it was a good choice. As we walked, I felt strength and energy coming online. It wasn't too much, it was just enough.

But not enough to save me from struggling with energy later or to avoid GI problems. Once again, it came out of nowhere. Once again, we ate the same food and I was the only one sick. I tried to deny it was adrenal, but, when I started shivering from cold, 'not adrenal' was a hard thing to believe. Then I got up to 'run' to the bathroom and all I could manage was the sad zombie shuffle.

Thankfully, I did not throw up, just was wracked with nausea for hours and hours. Thankfully, the electric blanket heated me right up and I was able to become warm enough to turn it off, a positive sign that the worst was over.

Today I am sneezy (low immunity), zero appetite and physically tired with heavy limbs. But I think I can out rest it. Just have to remember that major life stress on top of physical activity might require more steroids than I would normally take.

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Bad News

Think of the worst relative you know. The black sheep. The scandalous one. The one that makes you gasp and shake your head. The one you don't talk about because it's embarrassing.

The one you avoid.

I have nine of those assholes in just one side of my family.

Yesterday we received some disturbing news.

For me, it has been crushing. Which translates into stress. I couldn't breathe yesterday. Maybe it was the weather, which had shifted from 20 to a balmy 50, but I couldn't walk and talk. It was too much.

I shut down, pulled back into my shell, just trying to process things breathe. It has reached the point that we will not have contact with some people and will be limiting contact with everyone else. Such a simple thing to write when there's nothing easy about it.

At my last appointment, the endo asked me if I have muscle pain and I denied it.

Yet today I am reminded that sometimes I do have muscle pain and it's not steroid withdrawal. My joints hurt. My arches and calves feel like I've been wearing those wedding shoes non-stop. My thighs hurt to the touch.

And I am angry to be so weak when what I really need is strength.

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The Glitz and Cold Medicine of a New Year

I wore the shoes! I tried them on for the hell of it and my ankles did not start whimpering 'timber'. I could actually walk. So I wore the shoes. My guess is that some good came out of that squat work out--it seems I built the strength necessary to manage such stiletto heights.



Got compliments on the dress from people I didn't even know. A high five after a fast jive. (Note: We wing it completely. We are not formally trained ballroom anything, but we both danced folk.You can translate a lot from one genre to a next if you're willing to be creative and not care what you look like doing it.)

(Also, I did not dance in the shoes. I'm not an idiot. I bring flats.)

Had a great time. Both of us were sick as dogs though. I had a good start to the day and then promptly deflated. The car ride down, we both nursed hot tea and squabbled over the last dose of cold meds. Then we laughed at how silly it was to be so miserable to where you're fighting over drugs on the way to a party.

Steroids got me through along with the asthma inhaler on the dance floor. The steroids made the night possible. I felt so normal, so ready to burn up the floor. Like it was just a mere cold, not the anti-Christ in viral form. The hubby is lucky that sweating helps him kick colds, so a couple hours on the dancing actually helped him.

I'm still sick but I think it's time/safe to get rid of the steroids. I'm going to give it one more day at 5mg just to boost me through the post-dancing/travel/virus period and then stop.

The best part so far has been the homecoming. This was our first big night out since the toddler was born. I am awash in kisses and hugs and 'yays you're home'. Trying to hold on tight to that because watching my teen cousins last night made me realize this won't last.

Happy New Year!

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The Adventure Begins

I woke up feeling human again. We've left the butt-plug-up-my-nose phase and are entering the asthma wonderland, which means coughing all night.

Believe it or not, asthma is an improvement. Now we all cross fingers and toes that it's mild and goes away quickly instead of building up into another problem.

Hubby was doing okay but says he's worse now. Unfortunately, we can no longer cancel our plans to go to the wedding. We are locked into the pain.

The toddler and babysitter are still holding steady.

Tonight, we will be contagious at a wedding whether we (or anyone else) like it or not. My goal is to stay 50 feet away from the bride and groom and communicate with them via text and hand signals.

Don't want to be the relative who makes them so sick they never see the beach on their honeymoon.

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Proud Kleenex Hoarder

No one is nearly as sick as I am, which means all the Kleenex is mine and we might still be able to pull off this wedding. Just waiting to see how the babysitter fares as they still aren't sick at all.

The toddler is sneezy and blew her nose once. Hubby had a sore throat and was tired, but says he's fine today.

So long as there's someone healthy enough to do the driving (hint: not me) and the toddler is not seriously ill, we can still do this thing.

No weight gain, unless you want to get picky about 2 ounces, which will probably be gone with the next sneeze. I've been eating pretty well too. I guess I just needed to be surrounded by forbidden carbs. With the cold, I'm back to missing meals and forcing myself to eat.

Spent all of Thursday in bed. Kept trying to wake-up but couldn't and didn't go upright until 1pm. Today I was out of bed by 8am, but am planning to go back. The stress dose has stayed at 5mg, which does not feel like enough, but since I'm not doing anything but sleeping and the asthma is controlled, I'll leave it. For the wedding it will need to go up though.

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Trying

Wednesday went.

Trying to get as much done as I can now since I don't know how I'll feel later. Do what you can while you can.

Ran to the craft store for stocking stuffers and styrofoam cones which will be used for Xmas tree appetizers (you use toothpicks and fruit or cheese, it's cute and easy). Felt like I was going to fall over, but just gripped the cart tighter and ignored it.

Making menu plans that minimize work. Luckily the hubby does a lot of the holiday cooking. In his culture they have fish, kidney beans, split peas and potato salad for Christmas Eve dinner. I happen to love beans and peas, so this meal works well for me although other people find it...odd.

Then he wants to make Nutella banana crepes for Christmas breakfast. Plus, he'll do dishes. So not too much on me for the big holidays. Yes, he is amazing. (Further proof, when I told him we could put a porthole in the floor to finally make a laundry chute, he thought that was a great idea. No really, people do it.Nowhere near as a strange as it sounds.)

Presents are mostly done. Need to finish the calendars featuring the toddler and pick up gift cards. Oh and mail Christmas cards. Not to mention thank yous from the toddler's October bday. Whoops.

Taking naps every day, which helps immensely. It gives me a couple hours where I'm not dog tired.

My GI system is making death threats, but not following through. So long as nothing comes along and stresses me out, I might escape unscathed.

Not eating much but trying to follow a rule of eating something at every meal time. The lack of appetite makes for an odd diet. 2 hardboiled eggs, a slice of cheese, cottage cheese, a bite of chicken. Back to the surreal reality of forcing caffeine consumption--that really is the strangest thing to me.

On the upside, I quit steroids cold turkey and am still standing.

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